Tuesday, May 7, 2013

In the Hurry of living I have forgotten how.

I no longer know about others as I rush through my life trying to do things that are difficult to do and not able to organize my space and computer world and all the myriad of details that I must attend to. I find it daunting and sometimes just want to give up my efforts to stay on the high road I have been on. I keep thinking there are people out there who want to know about other ways of healing themselves. Ways that are gentle, effective and without side effects but I am beginning to wonder if that is really so. If it is so I cannot seem to reach them, not with my wonderful Pocket Pack, and now I wonder if my own community will even come to see the film I made. If they will attend the benefit, the opening of my public run at the Royal Cinema. I so want to raise some money for the Actors Fund. It is a worthwhile venture and so many in the entertainment industry utilize the fund as I did. A haven in a rough sea worth donating money to. But I wonder if I will be successful at even that. I am discouraged by my life although it is as productive as I can make it. I just don't have it together enough to succeed it would seem. It is my inner personality that is not rising to the job. I know that and there is not much more to say than that. This does not mean I will not stay the course but it is not as a late bloomer but rather as a rose too long in the vase with faded petals and only a memory of beauty that once was. Ugh. Having cancer takes time mostly just to eat enough to keep my weight up and give my body enough nutrients to keep me on an even keel. My creative work on scripts and with creative people is still strong and I think useful to those who I am working with but I do not know. How does one ever know what is right and wrong other than at the moment of doing? Maybe tomorrow will be a better day and I will accomplish some of the work I want to do to keep myself afloat in this mood so many years in the making.

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